Posted by John
If while you were reading my good friend Chris’ recent post regarding cell phone belt clips, laughing hysterically and thinking to yourself, “Oh man, this is so fucking funny; I hate those cell phone belt clips. People that wear those things are such tool wagons!” then in the process received a phone call on your own cell phone and answered that call with one of those Bluetooth earpieces, go ahead and loosen up nice and good, stretch out a little bit here and there, then go right on and kick yourself in the goddamn face because you’re no better than those cell phone belt clip wearing boners.
The only time you’re allowed to wear a Bluetooth earpiece is while driving. In fact, I’ll go so far as to encourage you to wear one while driving because you’ll no doubt be a safer driver as a result. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you can do whatever you want while you’re behind the wheel of your car if it makes you a safer driver. If you prefer to drive your car without any pants on because you find pants to be too confining, causing your legs to get all hot and sweaty which in turn distracts you from the road, then by all means, drive your car without any pants. Similarly, if you find that Sarah McLachlan’s soft, angelic voice, capable of reducing a grown man to tears, soothes and calms you while you drive your car, therefore helping you focus on your surroundings and operate your vehicle in a safer manner, then don’t even think about not listening to some Fumbling Towards Ecstasy or Mirrorball or something while you’re driving. In the same way, if that Bluetooth earpiece helps you drive, there isn’t a self-respecting, liberty loving, freedom preaching American out there that should tell you otherwise.
But for fuck’s sake, when you get to your destination, take that stupid earpiece off of your head. You would not, in a million years, drive somewhere sans pants to maximize your driving comfort only to not put your pants back on when you got to where you were going. Similarly, no one with an ounce of dignity would listen to Sarah McLachlan, even within the privacy of their iPod ear buds, outside of their own personal transportation vehicle. These are just facts. And just like these are facts, it is a fact that you are a complete douchesicle if you wander about the world wearing one of those fucking Bluetooth earpieces.
If you’re not driving, it doesn’t matter if you’re wearing the Bluetooth while you’re using it or while you’re not using it. Both situations look stupid. If you’re using it you look like you’re talking to no one. You know who else talks to no one? Crazy people. If you’re not using it, you look like you have a futuristic miniature marsupial hanging from your ear. You know who else likes marsupials? Crazy people.
I can lash out with a similar rant about texting, but I’ll save my breath except for this: do not ever text me while you’re driving. You may think I’m concerned about your safety but I’m not. I’m just fucking tired of receiving nonsensical text messages from people who are distracted by their driving.
“Were do ur want 2 got 45 diner 2light?”
What the fuck does that mean? I hope you got in a car accident after you sent me that message.
Now, while I agree with almost everything my friend Chris stated regarding the retardedness of the belt clip, he knew in doing it that I would be compelled to take exception to the assertion that David Beckham’s belt clip is the reason soccer hasn’t caught on in the United States. The real reason soccer hasn’t caught on can actually be explained by our earlier discussion about the merits of certain holidays, and specifically the holidays of Halloween and Thanksgiving.
Soccer hasn’t caught on here because the majority of real Americans - you know, the ones that carry guns, drive trucks, eat beef, pork, or beef wrapped in pork with every meal, and consider camouflage to be a color – those Americans prefer Thanksgiving and Baskin Robbins to Halloween and porno, and also prefer football to soccer. Seriously, try to follow me on this one. The majority of Americans love football and an image like this is the embodiment of Football, Thanksgiving, ice cream and America:
This is a picture of the winner’s of John Madden’s annual Thanksgiving Day football game tradition - the players on the winning team are awarded a turkey that has been stuffed with a duck then cooked in the oven. First or all, what the fuck kind of tradition is that? You win a football game and you get a turkey from John Madden? The last thing I would probably want after playing a football game is a turkey followed closely by a cigarette or something. Secondly, do you know what it’s called when you stuff a duck into a turkey then cook it? It’s called a turducken. I’m not making that up, you can Wikipedia that shit. All of this explains why football, Thanksgiving, ice cream, John Madden, and America suck.
By contrast, the rest of the world, including a minority of Americans, see an image like this as the embodiment of International diplomacy, the most beautiful sport in the world, porno, and Halloween:
How on earth does mutton-chopped David Beckham embody Halloween, you’re asking yourself? Well, I’ll tell you. A reliable source who follows his career closely (and by “follows” I mean “stalks”) informed me that David Beckham grew out those beautiful mutton-chops for his Halloween costume this year… he went as Wolverine. Now why the hell would David Beckham, the most recognizable athlete, celebrity, and human on God’s brown earth, grow a ridiculous beard just for Halloween? Because he, Halloween, porno and The Beautiful Game, are all bad! Fucking! Ass!
In contrast:
“Hey there, Brady Quinn; what are you doing for Halloween this year? Oh, you’re going as a loser?... Cool. Cool. Good costume.”
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