Sorry about the sparseness on the blog last week; as you all know, this past weekend was Halloween, which for me is like Christmas day, if Christmas also happened to be my birthday, Sweetest Day and President’s Day all rolled into one, so I was kind of busy getting our costumes ready. I love Halloween, I love making costumes for Halloween, I love getting dressed up on Halloween, and I love Halloween parties. Really, the only thing I don’t love about Halloween are the goddamn trick-or-treaters. They’re constantly ringing the doorbell even though the porch light isn’t on, begging for free candy even though we don’t have any, and walking through my flowerbeds like inconsiderate little pricks. Plus you always have to drive all slow through the neighborhood when kids are trick-or-treating because god forbid some 6-year-old dressed as a ninja in black pajamas from head to toe gets hit by a car or something. In my estimation that’s just natural selection. If you’re going to dress like a ninja you damn well better be fast like a ninja so you can get out of the way of moving vehicles. Otherwise you might as well dress up as a clown or something and wear a bunch of bright colors so I can see your ass walking down the middle of the street. Whatever.
At any rate, I love Halloween because it really gives everyone an opportunity to get dressed up and be someone else for a night. For chicks that usually means releasing their inner prostitute and for dudes it usually means letting out their inner jackass. For me, when it comes to deciding the perfect costume every year, which I usually spend about 8 or 9 months pondering, the final selection comes down to one question: Is it badass? If the answer is ‘yes’ then I’m definitely going to rock the shit out of that costume. If the answer to the follow up question – Can it be made exponentially more badass with a mustache? – is also ‘yes’, then I am going to rock that shit hardcore til the break of dawn. No doubt.
Past costumes that have met one or both of those criteria have been Deputy Junior from Reno 911, William Wallace, Dog the Bounty Hunter, and Macho Man Randy Savage.
The badass quotient of this year’s costume was no exception, that’s why the wife and I went as Han Solo and Princess Leia. No, not the Jaba The Hut slave Princess Leia; the snow Princess Leia from the planet Hoth in the opening sequence of the Empire Strikes Back.
The costumes were actually really easy to assemble and we had most of it around the house already. The wife just needed to procure some white boots and rig up some sort of princess braided hair thing, while I just needed a black leather vest. I thought the vest would be hard to find but I located it almost immediately in the form of a women’s leather jacket from TJ Maxx that I cut the sleeves off of. Oh believe me, I’ve done way more effeminate things in the name of Halloween, plus the thing was well tailored for my figure. The only problem was, in this case I wanted to look like badass Han Solo, not a gay biker, so I needed the cornerstone to my costume – the SW-341 blaster gun. I could have bought one online and maybe I should have, but instead I decided to whittle that shit out of wood. I’m not kidding – wood, glue, spray paint, and about 18 man-hours resulted in the most badass Han Solo blaster you could imagine:
A friend of ours invited us to attend the Bone Bash with her, which is an annual costume party/concert/benefit event for the Arthritis Foundation. At first I was way skeptical about going to an arthritis benefit event, figuring there would be a bunch of old ass people with arthritis all over the place. What fun is that? I’ll tell you how much fun – none. It’s just depressing. Like, I was actually expecting to walk in the door and see a real life Crypt Keeper, like a decrepit 90-year-old man with boney arthritis fingers and shit. Oh man, I just got the chills. Fortunately this event was nothing like that. I mean, there were some old people but they weren’t like decrepit old, just normal old. For the most part though it was just a bunch people who loved Halloween and loved rocking awesome costumes. It was great and the costumes were phenomenal. It’s like I died and went to heaven, if heaven were populated with a bunch of chicks dressed like prostitutes and dudes like jackasses. Here are some of my favorites:
Always a classic, Mario and Princess. No sign of Luigi or Toadie though.
The whole gang from Bayside. Check out the badass ginormous cell phone in he background.
Wendy and the Hamburglar. I admire the guy’s dedication; he spent months getting into shape for this costume.
Cobra Kai… badass.
Marty McFly… not badass but great throwback to my youth and the dude killed the costume.
Badass Gold Dust, badass Macho Man, not-so-badass Ravishing Rick Rude but badass mustache, Badass Rick Flair.
Bob Ross… great costume but the beard was a little pubie…
The Griswalds were not badass at all, but I loved the costumes. The wife loved them too, except she didn’t realize they were the Griswalds. In fact, the wife happened to be standing next to the entrance when this couple walked in and immediately she was like, “Oh my god! Are you Facts of Life???” Oh man, it was like she just shit on that poor girl’s costume because there she was in a great costume and the first person she sees when she walks in the door is my wife who thinks she’s dressed as Blair from the fucking Facts of Life. Like who would ever dress up as the Facts of Life for Halloween? Apparently my wife would.
To be continued…
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