As diverse as our society is, we still have to live by some basic ground rules. And no one, no matter how old you are, where you’re from, or what you do for a living, should wear a cell phone belt clip. It’s inexcusable. It looks absolutely ridiculous, completely foolish, and utterly absurd. If you currently wear a cell phone belt clip, I will help you, and tell you what all your friends want to tell you but are too nice to actually say. You need to take off the cell phone belt clip, because you look like a jackass.
I’m not sure why people actually do this, but it can only be for one of the following reasons:
1. You think owning a cell phone is cool. It’s not 1990, and you are not Zack Morris ordering pizza in study hall trying to impress Lisa Turtle and Jessie Spano. It’s 2009, and everyone has a cell phone now. They are a necessity. It’s not some prized possession to put on display for the world to see. You are not advertising some superior social status just because you have the latest Samsung flip phone attached to your braided belt. In fact, you are on equal ground with that man wearing dirty clothes sitting in the alley that you just gave a dollar to this morning. Except now he has an extra dollar to pay his AT & T bill.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/03/22/AR2009032201835.html
See douchebag, everyone has one, so don’t go around showing it off like you won the Stanley Cup.
2. You’re too lazy to reach inside your pocket to get it. I know it’s a little extra effort to slightly arch your hips up and reach down into your pocket to grab your phone if you are sitting down. And I realize if you’re wearing jeans, the back of your hand can brush against the denim when reaching into your pocket, and may get a little scratched. But I don’t care if the insides of your pockets are lined with razor blades, it’s still a better option to reach in and grab your phone instead of wearing it on your belt. Even if you have a beard, and laziness is a valid excuse for anything that you do, that does not include cell phone belt clips.
These people who refuse to remove their cell phone belt clip always have some reason why their phone has to be displayed on their belt like a priceless work of art. So the next time some Picasso gives you his reason why he can’t pocket his Blackberry, refer to this list on how to put him in his place:
Picasso: I have fat fingers.
You: Lay off the Arby’s.
Picasso: My pants are too tight and the phone won’t comfortably fit in my pocket.
You: Get a smaller phone or bigger pants.
Picasso: I’m afraid the radiation from my phone may give me testicular cancer if I keep it in my pocket.
You: I understand your concern. You must have giant balls to constantly go against the norms of society and proudly wear your phone on your exterior everyday. It would most likely benefit mankind if you didn’t reproduce future cell phone belt clip wearing children, but if you’re really worried about it, go buy yourself some radioactive protective underwear.
http://www.universalmedicalinc.com/radioactive-seed-implant-protective-underwear/detail/1-7724_600
Picasso: My cell phone belt clip is leather. It’s stylish.
You: No, it means you are a douchebag and an animal hater. You will be single forever. The odds of you finding a fellow animal hater who tolerates the wearing of cell phone belt clips is 0%.
Picasso: It’s more convenient.
You (if speaking to a woman): May I touch your leg? (feel her leg-underneath her pants around the ankle area). I see you shaved your legs this morning. It would have been convenient not too, but you shaved your legs anyway because that’s what normal, civilized women do. So shut the hell up and put your phone in your pocket or purse.
*If you determine after touching the woman’s leg she has not shaved her legs, end the interaction immediately. Look at her rough legs, then look at her cell phone belt clip, sarcastically throw your arms up in the air, yell out, “now it all makes sense!” Slowly walk away shaking your head and muttering something about there being no hope for society.
You (if speaking to a man): May I smell you? (without getting too close, smell the man. Remember, just a slight lean in-not too close). I see you showered this morning. It would have been more convenient not too, but you showered anyway because that’s what normal, civilized men do. So shut the hell up and put your phone in your pocket.
*If, after smelling the man, you determine he has not showered today, do not jump to conclusions. This is where it gets difficult. He may perform physical labor all day, and so his job leads to his stench. You can’t say, “I see you haven’t shaved today”, because if he has a beard, that’s badass, not inconvenient. So you ask him, “Did you eat today? It would have been more convenient not to prepare a meal and take the time to sit down and eat it, but you did.” If he looks manorexic and says he has not eaten today, just tackle him to the ground and punch him until he takes the belt clip off.
Picasso: My job requires me to have quick access to my phone.
You: So you’re telling me the line of work you’re in is so important that the extra 2 seconds it takes to reach into your pocket and answer your phone is that big of a deal. That’s impossible, unless somehow your job is to act as “the friend” for the phone-a-friend lifeline on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, where every second truly does count, then you’re lying.
That’s right, as I mentioned above, it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do for a living, it’s inexcusable to wear a cell phone belt clip.
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