Posted by John
Once again I’m not trying to claim I’m some sort of foul-mouthed, internet-blogging Nostradamus or anything, but holy shit, have you guys seen the commercials for this yet?
If you’re like me and you don’t like reading stuff, especially stuff that’s on links people have sent you, I’ll tell you what that’s all about. That is Bear Grylls, the undisputed god king of survivalism hosting a new show on Discovery called Worst Case Scenario in which he “puts himself into potentially life-threatening situations to show the how-to, hands-on, step-by-step instructions on everything you may need to know when faced with a worst case scenario.” In the event you’re not seeing the parallel I’m drawing here, at the exact same time I’ve declared I will be posting survivalism advice on the blog, Bear Grylls is hosting a new show about the exact same goddamn topic! How awesome is that? Which is to say, how awesome is it that Bear Grylls and I are basically on the exact some survivalistic wavelength? Like two peas in a pod, if by “pod” I mean “drowning car with only our nerves of steal and survival instincts of titanium to save us,” and by “peas” I mean “best survivor buddies ever!”
Now, for those astute blog readers out there, this is not the first time a television show called Worst Case Scenario has been aired and also not the first time I’ve talked about it. But those that remember the first incarnation of the show will also remember what a douche-fest it was. It was the same exact concept as this new Bear project except instead of using the most badass survival expert to ever grace the Queen’s green earth, that show just used common, every day stunt people to ‘act’ out the worst case scenarios, which basically had the same entertainment value as watching a colonoscopy in HD. “And now we’re approaching the transverse colon in what has to be record time!...”
I’m sorry, I just dozed off for a bit there.
I have no doubt this new show will be properly awesome, not least of all because of Bear’s brilliant Brit wit and all his “vit-uh-mins” and “con-trah-versies” and willingness to strip down to the buff in order to stay warm after he’s fallen into an icy lake or something.
Currently in the realm of reality survivor tv you have two programs: Man vs Wild and Survivorman, hosted by Les Stroud. Now, I am fully aware there is a subset of the population out there that prefers the authenticity of Les Stroud’s survival skills to the charisma and production of Bear and his show but in case you were confused about where I stand on the issue, Les Stroud doesn’t deserve to wipe Bear Grylls ass after he has diarrheaed whilst hanging 100’ in the air off the face of a cliff and Les Stroud’s fans don’t deserve to wipe mine either.
In case you think I made that up just to get a rise out of you, I didn’t. In this season on Man vs Wild Bear unwittingly ate a foul maggot that later gave him a colon-clearing case of diarrhea that struck at the absolute most inopportune time – while he was climbing up the shear rock face of a cliff. With no other option he did what any survivor would do – dropped trou right there and let rip into the wind just as Mother Nature had intended. Well, I’m not sure Mother Nature really intended for us to take our number twos while dangling from the face of a cliff, thereby crop dusting like three counties with foul-maggot-induced-deuce-puree, but you know what I mean.
And that’s not all he’s done this season. He has used a deer antler as a grappling hook, escaped a collapsing abandoned gold mine, scaled a 200’ tall steel bridge pier, ate a raw yak eyeball, and gave himself a fetid water enema. Oh boy, that was a real gem. He was stranded on a deserted island, made a raft out of logs and random bits of boats that had washed ashore, and set sail out onto the open sea where he came across a large rock sticking out of the ocean that had a pool of rainwater that had been fouled by loads of seagull shit and like a true survivor he knew he couldn’t drink the water straight because it would make him sick so instead he took in the other end where his pooper could absorb the water and keep him hydrated without making him sick. If you didn’t already know that was possible and haven’t already tried it yourself, well then, you might as well punch your time card now because you’re not surviving anything.
When I saw that particular scene on MvW, the best part about it was that the wife had just wandered into the room at the exact moment Bear was sticking a tube in the out door, to which she exclaimed, “What in the hell are you watching!?!” It turns out you kind of have to see something like that in context, otherwise it’s a little awkward.
I’m well aware that the chief critics of Bear and Man vs Wild say that he’s not actually surviving these situation, that he has a crew there with him, and that he’s more an actor than a survivor. I’m also well aware that any time I see someone who says something like that about Bear they will get a foul-maggot sandwich to the face with a side of fetid water enema to the throat courtesy of me, if by “foul-maggot sandwich” I mean my right fist, Bear, and by “fetid water enema” I mean my left fist, Lucifer. The thing is, those people prefer that in his show, Les Stroud goes out into the wilderness all by himself without even a camera crew and does all his own filming while also surviving and making it back to civilization and blah, blah, blah. Listen, that dude is such a megalomaniacal charismatic-black-hole that you can’t help but watch 5 minutes of him going on and on about how difficult it is in the wilderness and how tired and hungry he is that you actually start rooting for him to not survive. If they ever made that tv show were Les Stroud goes out into the wilderness and doesn’t come back they’d call it Best Case Scenario.
So consider this your second bit of survival advice: Watch Bear Grylls in Worst Case Scenario this spring on Discovery channel. Needless to say, I will be dvr-ing every episode and so should you.
Until next time, keep on surviving.
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