Posted by John
In the past I’ve alluded to what I would consider proper work attire. It’s a subject I feel is grossly overlooked and deserves much more attention than it gets. I’ll try to explain why in the examples below but let me digress briefly to say when I talk about proper work attire I’m generally referring to proper work attire for the 20- or 30-something crowd. That’s not to say that if you’re 40+ you have carte blanche to be a douche, it just means that different standards apply. Over 40, go ahead and wear an entire golf outfit to work including mock turtleneck and windbreaker. I won’t be too critical. Under 40, if you’re wearing that you better be working a half-day then joining the PGA tour in the afternoon otherwise I’m going to make fun of you to your face.
Without further ado:
-If you have a job that doesn’t involve working from home, manual labor, or transporting illegal drugs, you need to look down at your socks right now (assuming you’re reading this while you’re at work, just like I’m writing it while I’m at work). If you are wearing white, cotton socks, go ahead and kick yourself in the face right now. That is so unacceptable and you’re a disgrace to young professionals everywhere. As soon as you get off work, drive immediately to Sam’s Club or Costco or something and spend $4 on a package of 24 black dress socks and a package of 24 navy blue dress socks then wear one of those 48 pairs of socks from now on. We’ll talk more later about whether your socks should match your shoes, pants, shirt, or tie but I don’t want to blow your mind too soon.
-If you’re unlucky enough to be a dude who has to wear a polo or button down shirt to work, tuck that shit in. I know, I know - tucking in is the bane of my existence too; right behind shaving and smiling, but seriously, it’s necessary because the point is not the shirt; the point is the belt. Look at your belt now. Does it match the color of your shoes? If not, take the belt off, go to the nearest person to you and ask them to beat you repeatedly and mercilessly about the head, neck, and face with it. Preferably with the buckle end. God didn’t make brown and black cows so you could mix and match their hides at your leisure.
Quick side note: the New Kid wears nothing but dress slacks to work. Pleated at that. Not even khakis. Pleated dress slacks. Except, for some reason he always wears this beaten up old black belt where the leather is all cracked and peeling away. He looks silly. It would be like driving a Lexus covered in bumper stickers. Ok, let’s be honest – pleated slacks are more like a Kia than a Lexus but you get the point. Anyway, the other day he admitted the belt was a hand-me-down from his dad. Your dad? First of all, who gets hand-me-downs from their dad? I think my dad is a pretty fashionable dude and we likely even own some of the same articles of clothing, but he’s still my dad and I don’t want to wear any of his clothes, let alone any of his old clothes. Second of all, a belt isn’t a hand-me-down item. Maybe a shirt, a sweater, or a jacket or something like that, but a belt? A belt is a pretty personal item. Thirdly, why do you have the same waistline as your dad? At any rate, he admitted the belt was a hand-me-down then finally realized it looked too bush league in its ultra-worn in state so he went online to find a replacement. But not like a new belt; no, he went online to try to find the exact belt because it was alligator skin. Alligator skin? What, was your dad like an undercover narco cop in Miami or something? It’s a belt, dude. It keeps your pants on your waist. Why are you trying to spend $600 on an alligator skin belt when you can spend $20 on a bovine skin belt? Or $8 on a plastic skin belt? Well, it turns out he didn’t want to spend the big bucks on a real alligator skin belt so instead he spent slightly smaller bucks on a lizard skin belt. Lizard skin? What kind of lizard are we talking about here? Kimono dragon? Iguana maybe? A gecko perhaps? I’m almost inclined to say that you’re better off spending $600 on an alligator skin belt than $80 on some innocuous lizard-ish belt. To make matters even worse, if that’s possible, the belt came with a shiny metal buckle that he had engraved with his initials. His initials, I tell you! I was absolutely beside myself until I realized why he’d done it – he’s a jr. That means someday he wants to have a kid of his own who will become New Kid III, and he wants to be able to hand-me-down his belt to him. What a plan. What. A. Plan.
-Speaking of pleated pants, stop wearing them. I understand that different shapes of bodies call for different cuts of pants and sometimes the pockets on flat front pants stick out making it look like your hips have ears. That sucks. But it’s better than pleated pants that make it look like you’re getting ready to record an album of music featuring just a bass guitar.
I still remember the exact moment in 1999 when I found out pleated pants were no longer cool, sitting listening to Dr Dre’s “Still D.R.E.” where he raps, “Still rock my khakis with a cuff and a crease…” and I thought to myself, “Huh, that’s strange. Why would Dr. Dre of all people, who keeps uzi’s in his underwear and eats chronic with his Cheerios, need to declare to the world that he still rocks his khakis with a pleat and a cuff? Is Dre somehow saying that his chronic and machine guns give him the authority to defy standard convention and wear whatever he wants? Dear god! Are pleated khakis no longer in style???” As I was sitting there in a pair of pleated, cuffed khakis. I spent the next 24 hours checking out every pair of pants I passed and holy shit, I was the only toolbag on campus still wearing pleated pants (let’s face it, it was an engineering and pharmacy school; there were still A LOT of pleated pants around. Shit, there are probably still A LOT of pleated pants on that campus right now as we speak in 2010. At the time though I was more concerned about all the people in my social circle… All 8 of them). The point is, you’re not Dr. Dre, you don’t own uzi’s and you don’t eat chronic with your cereal so you can’t pull off pleated pants. As a matter of fact, I don’t think Dre can pull them off anymore either unless he comes out with Still D.R.E. Remix 2010 and it becomes the party anthem of the year or something.
-Are you wearing a class ring right now? Cut your goddamn finger off. Never in my life have I ever seen someone wearing a class ring and thought to myself, “Wow, it is really impressive/neat this person graduated from Delaware University in 1998.” I have, however, thought to myself, “Wow, I don’t know a thing about this guy but I do know that he is a raging douchesicle.”
-I have never and will never understand animal prints. I understand in the real olden days when homo sapiens actually killed animals to wear their fur it was less a fashion statement than a status symbol. “Nice squirrel bikini you have there. Did you see my stone washed tiger pants? I killed this shit myself.” Nowadays you’re not impressing anyone with that cotton zebra you clearly didn’t slay yourself.
-Grooming in general is a touchy subject, especially coming from a guy who looks like he has a small marsupial clinging to his face, but there are a few basics here. 1). Clearly I’m not a fan of shaving for myself but I am a fan of just about everyone else shaving. You either need to commit to a beard or commit to shaving every day. Yes, it’s possible to pull off the scruffy-5-days-of-growth look if you keep it maintained well enough. But if you look in the mirror and all you have is a 5-day-old neck beard, you need to shave that shit off. 2). For the love of baby Jesus, unless your name is Edward Scissor hands, keep you nails neatly trimmed and/or manicured. But for the love of God, do your nail maintenance at home, not at your goddamn desk. Every time it happens - and believe me, it happens at least twice a week at the office - when I hear the CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK-CLICK of the nail clippers I get a shiver in my spine. I don’t care where the person is sitting, all I can think about is their nails somehow launching over the cubicle wall and getting stuck between the buttons on my keyboard, or dropping in my tea, or landing on my bagel. Oh, I just got a shiver just thinking about it.
Clearly this is just a small selection of my personal rules for office attire/appearance and I could go on but I won’t. This may have been a bit traumatic for you but you’ll be thanking me later for helping you be less douchey one little bit at a time.
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