Posted by John
Language is a funny thing, especially the English one. Words that were once quite popular are no longer in use while new words are being invented all the time. Some words have kept their meaning for centuries while the meaning of others have changed all together. Just think about how Merriam Webster added 25 new words to the dictionary in 2009 ranging from “carbon footprint” to “frenemy”; from “locavore” to “staycation”; from “webisode” to “waterboarding” (really, Cheney? You honestly thought waterboarding was legal? It wasn’t even a fucking word until you did it to a bunch of people so how in the fuck was it going to be legal? Fuckindouche. Have you ever heard of that word before? Well now you have and the definition is you).
Sometimes it’s not just words but phrases that come and go from our lexicon. “I’m all about that,” or “I’m just saying,” or “How’s that going for you?” as a sarcastic response to someone informing you that they’re in the process of doing something really stupid like, “I’ve decided instead of working out I’m just going to do some crystal meth,” to which you reply, “Oh really? How’s that going for you?” Those are all phrases that were entirely too common at one time but have since fallen by the wayside and if you find yourself still using them then you’re a real proper fuckindouche.
Other phrases have been around forever and are still used all the time and mostly just as filler in small talk conversations when someone has run out of real things to say. I hear the phrase, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” at least once a week and generally about something that is broken and should be fixed like all the fuckindouchewad conservatives about healthcare. I also still hear people say the word “period” to denote a definitive end to something. “This discussion is over. Period.” What do you mean the discussion is over because a period really just denotes an end to a sentence? Maybe when the discussion is really over what you need to say is, “This discussion is over. The end. Period.” Because then I would know that “The end” is the end of the discussion and that “period” is the end of the sentence “the end” and then I would know for certain that you are done talking.
Or you still hear, “You hit the nail right on the head,” a lot, but its overuse has changed its meaning to, “I really don’t care what you have to say, I’m just blowing smoke up your ass,” which in itself is a catchphrase that’s been around forever and quite frankly should be around for awhile longer, especially when its origin is explained like this on answerbag.com: “The origin of the "blowing smoke" part is from stage magic, where magicians use smoke to hide their actions or to distract the audience. Of course, anyone who studies American slang knows that pretty much any phrase can be improved by adding a reference to someone’s ass, so I suppose it's inevitable that is where the smoke would eventually be blown.” That’s a pretty good-ass explanation.
Other phrases have probably been around for a while but for some reason or another just seem to be really popular right now. I hear this all the time now: “It is what it is.” In fact, I’ve been using it a ton myself lately but it seems to just be a nicer way of saying, “Well, we’re fucked, but what are we going to do about it?”
Similarly, within the past few years people have been adding a whole bunch of cynical inflection to the word “really” to imply mock disbelief, then you can repeat it and change the inflection to sound ever more disbeliefed. For instance, if someone says, “I was going to donate money to the Red Cross for Haiti but instead I just bought this prostitute,” you would reply, “Really? Real-ey?” as if that one word repeated twice would be enough to convince the person they are a royal turd and should seek counseling.
Even with all the changes that words and phrases go through, the other day I really found myself wondering at what point in our language’s history did the word “literally” stop meaning “literally” and start to mean “not at all literally”? Seriously, follow me on this one. You’ve all heard someone telling a story that they think is quite unbelievable but is actually shockingly mundane but in order to make their story seem interesting and unbelievable to the listener the storyteller will use the word “literally” to describe something that isn’t remotely literal at all. For instance, “So he was just talking to me and I was like literally beside myself that he even knew who I was.” No, in actuality it is literally impossible for you to be beside yourself unless you have created teleportation and/or time travel so what you should have said was, “I was like figuratively beside myself because he shouldn’t even know who I am because I am literally a fuckindouche and no one should be talking to me.”
Or something like, “I was so wasted dude; I literally drank like 50 beers.” You know, I don’t think you did drink 50 beers otherwise you’d literally be dead. I think what you meant was, “I’m a boner who drinks too much and when I drink I become an epic boner that no one likes so I have to pretend that I drank more than I did as some sort of explanation for my bonerish behavior but the reality is I am literally just a boner. Oh, and I’m a fuckindouche too.”
Or like the other day when I overheard someone say, “I literally shit my pants when I heard the news.” Wow. I think this is one instance where you literally don’t want to use the word “literally” to describe something figuratively because whereas it is not literally possible for you to be beside yourself without a time machine it is literally possible to shit your pants and I don’t think you want to mislead people about the literal or figurative nature of such an act because if you are prone to literally shitting your pants then not only do I not want to hear your stupid overblown stories but I don’t want to be anywhere around you in general. Ever. Fuckindouche.
This post is now literally over. The End. Period.
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