Male Pattern Beardness

Posted by John

The other day I alluded to a recent situation where I, or more accurately, my beard, was cornered by a drunk, old, redneck cougar at a bar here in town. While the situation made for a humorous retelling it also left an indelible impression on my psyche and one that I have yet to be able to shake free.

To digress for a moment, the subject of beards is not a new one to the blog. My friend Chris and I wrote extensively about them on the previous blog here, here, here and here. While I wouldn’t consider myself an expert on the subject of beards I have had one in some form or another for the better part of my existence and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t spend a good deal of time meditating on the subject for one reason or another. I know that sounds weird to the vast majority of the readers out there with two X chromosomes, but it’s true and if you think most dudes don’t spend time thinking about beards, well then that’s why you’re from Venus and that’s why they don’t have beards there. Seriously, even dudes without beards think about beards. Maybe they don’t long for one but they certainly appreciate their existence and at least wonder what it would be like to have one. It’s just part of being a man.

While contemplating the subject extensively I’ve come up with only a few reason why dudes normally grow beards:

1.    Religious reasons.

2.    They don’t like the way their naked face looks/need a change of appearance.

3.    They’re lazy/hate shaving.

4.    They wear one through the winter months to stay warm.

5.    They were born in Maine, Wisconsin or Oregon.

I don’t have any religious connections to a beard and I wasn’t born in any of the above listed states so I rule out those two reasons right off the bat. While I’ve never grown a beard for the express purpose of keeping my face warm during the winter months, I can’t deny that it does help at least a little bit towards that end but what gets overlooked in that scenario, and the reason I would not specifically grow a beard to keep my cheeks cozy, is the beard as a repository for frozen snot factor. When it’s cold it’s inevitable your nose will leak onto your upper lip. In the absence of a beard/mustache you’ll notice that snot almost immediately and make the effort to wipe it up with a tissue, your sleeve, or the index finger of your gloved hand. In the presence of a beard/mustache that inevitable snot will collect in that upper lip facial hair, generally unbeknownst to the individual, where it will freeze into little snot icicles, much to the amusement/disgust of onlookers and much to the subconscious embarrassment of the beard wearer. Therefore, the beard-for-warmth argument isn’t reason enough for me to grow one.

That means my beards have always been for reason 2 or 3 above. It’s true that I don’t like the look of my naked face, primarily because even at the age of 30 I look like a pre-pubescent schoolgirl. And while I’ve not yet found the need to grow a beard to change my appearance because I committed a crime or to combat a quarter-life crisis or something, I understand that utility of it. No, my beard presently exists because of reason 3. And really, as my friend Chris and I wrote about before, there is a sub-reason to number 3 that I subscribe to as well – the beard acts as a buffer to society at large and makes an otherwise approachable, congenial countenance gruff, unpleasant, and distant. Think of it this way – if the naked face is a Volkswagen Beetle, the beard is a windowless van.  

The whole point is I have a beard now because I’m lazy, I hate shaving, and I hate people.

The only reason I bring any of this up is, the incident the other week with Granny Moses at the bar has been far from isolated and it’s properly pissing me off. In fact, barely a day has gone by in the past month when someone hasn’t made a comment directly to me about the beard, and usually one of admiration, and usually that someone is a dude who I either barely know or who is a complete stranger to me.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m used to getting compliments on the beard by complete strangers all the time, just as I’m used to giving out complements to beards of complete strangers; it just never happens verbally. It’s always in the form of a barely noticeable dude-nod from some guy in passing as if to say, “Nice beard, dude,” that’s always followed by a nearly imperceptible dude-nod of acknowledgement back, as if to say, “Thanks; I know.”

To actually stop and verbally compliment someone’s beard, especially a complete stranger, is on par with sexual harassment. Yeah, I said it. It’s unwelcome, uncomfortable, and unacceptable. If that’s not the definition of harassment then Randy in the construction administration department is just a really nice, sweet guy who enjoys talking exclusively with women in the office. All day. You know who I’m talking about; he works at your office too.

Just last week alone I had one guy walk past my desk, stop, walk back, pause, and say, “That’s a nice looking beard. Wish mine came in that thick…” Okay, you are now officially on my national beard offender registry. That was followed the next day by another guy, whom I’ve never spoken to, who walked by me, stopped, and said almost in a whisper like he was telling me a naughty secret, “I really like the beard…” Alright, well if I wake up tomorrow and my beard is missing I’m going to issue an Amber Alert and hunt you down like the facial hair predator you are. That was then followed the next day by some complete stranger who said, “Man, that beard is really coming in there. I’ve been growing this one for like two weeks…” as he stared longingly at my chin Hey, easy buddy, my eyes are up here. Up here.

The point is, this shit has to stop and it has to stop now. And don’t give me that bullshit like, “Well if you don’t want people to stare at you beard then don’t flaunt it out there with all your open collar shirts and v-neck sweaters and whatnot.” God didn’t give me this beard so I could wear a bandana around my face all day or something. 

It’s one thing If you’ve known someone without a beard and then days or weeks later you see them again and they suddenly have a beard; that would warrant a comment like, “Nice beard, dude,” or “Oh, I see you’re going with the beard; looks good,” or “You look like a bear’s ass.”

All of those comments are justified. But when you see someone every day of the week and they’ve been growing a beard little by little for the past three months, a comment is not warranted, justified, or welcome. It’s not like I went to the eye doctor and came home with a pair of glasses after 3 decades of 20/20 vision. It’s not like I came into work one Monday with a tattoo of a leprechaun on my face. It’s not like one day I became a woman. All of those drastic changes would warrant some sort of comment to acknowledge a difference in appearance. And worse yet, a beard does not need a comment from a complete stranger. A facial tattoo of a little green man would and should garner a comment. A Mohawk would inspire some recognition. A nipple instead of a nose would come with at least 8 comments a day. A beard is a beard any way you cut it and no beard needs a comment, especially creepy, lustful comments of longing and desire from dirty old men.

So to recap, the purpose of the beard is to inspire fear, isolation and anonymity; not admiration, envy and dare I say, predatorial yearning. If you see a beard, show some class and keep your eyes and your comments to yourself. If you see my beard, if you so much as think about complementing it you better believe it has a whistle, a can of mace, and it took a semester of kickboxing in college so back off, asshole.