Happy New Decade

Posted by John

I hope everyone had a great New Year’s Eve full of overly crowded bars, ridiculously priced drinks, and more than one expectation falling flat before the ball even dropped… or at least that’s how New Year’s Eve used to be for me in the past. This year, fortunately, was not like that at all. After an enjoyable evening among friends I was fast asleep by 12:30, not, for once, because I was passed out, dreaming about how in the past 10 years I feel like I’ve aged 40. Seriously, I’m old as shit now.

At the end of every year, and certainly at the end of every decade, it seems like everyone is making lists. Lists of the top movies, best albums, worst dressed, biggest hookups, most shocking breakups, blah, blah, blah. How about this list:

Top Ten Ways the Aughts Made Me Feel Old As Shit:

1. I wake up in pain now. Not like headache/hangover pain; like my body hurts as if I’ve been through an unsanctioned cage match with Kimbo Slice. That kind of pain. Sleep is supposed to be restful, relaxing and regenerative. Bullshit. I wake up feeling like I’ve been beaten mercilessly by a man who is the direct descendent of a silverback gorilla.

2. I recently came to the realization that children’s cereals are no longer good for me. It’s not like they don’t taste good anymore; nothing could be further from the truth. In fact they still taste awesome, like if I someday meet God and he’s eating a bowl of Fruit Loops I’ll be like, “Fucking-A, man, I knew it! I knew you created that shit. It just tastes too damn good.” No, I came to the realization that regardless of how good it tastes and no matter how great that sugar rush feels immediately following, it’s not worth the inevitable sugar crash that comes 30 minutes later like you’ve fallen off a cliff made of Cocoa Puffs. When you’re driving to work and the thought actually crosses your mind that it’s worth the risk of a head on collision to close your eyes just for a chance at a few more seconds of sleep, it’s time to get off the Frosted Flakes in the morning. Now I eat fucking Fiber One and stuff with flax in it and shit. I don’t even know what flax is. Oh, don’t get my wrong, my colon loves me now. My taste buds, on the other hand, hate me like the devil.

3. I now feel closer in age to people who are 40 than people who are 20. Seriously, I look at 20 year-olds and think, “Goddamnit, who raised you? Where did you learn to behave like this???” While I look at 40 year-olds and think shit like, “Hmm, he sure does drive a sensible car…” What??? What does that even mean and why am I thinking it??? I mean, my brain is telling me I still want to be 20 but my body is telling me that in a year from now I’ll wish I was only 40. Just the other day over Christmas I had a bit too much to drink with the fam and as an impulsive joke thought it would be funny to shotgun a beer, so I did. Then I dropkicked the can from the patio into the backyard and pulled me goddamn hamstring. When I went to retrieve the can in the morning it was still ¾’s full. I swore to God the night before it was empty. What’s wrong with me? When I was 20 I would shotgun a beer for breakfast. Now 3 ounces of beer overwhelms my esophagus like I’m drowning on the Titanic and apparently also deteriorates the muscle quality in my legs.

4. I look forward to the weekends not so I can sleep in; so I can go to bed early and get up even earlier. It used to be if a Saturday didn’t consist of at least 2 hours of TBS it was a strenuous day. Now I have lists of shit that I want to get done and I’m disappointed if I don’t. “Ah, fuck me! I was supposed to go to Petland this afternoon but I had to wait in the goddamn line at Sears then my dry-cleaning wasn’t ready when it was supposed to be so now we’re going to be late to dinner and I’m just going to have to get cat food tomorrow after a trim the hedges and before I run to Darren’s to borrow his leaf blower! There just isn’t enough time in the day!” I wish I was making that up.

5. When I was 20 I’d have conversations about someday being the CEO of my own engineering firm, or owning a bunch of restaurants, or starting up a brewery. Now I just have discussions about retirement. And not like retirement so I can travel the world and do a bunch of shit I’ve always wanted to do, but retirement so I can have a regularly scheduled nap at 2 PM.

6. Younger females used to ignore me, now they call me ‘sir’; older women used to ignore me, now they hit on me. We were out the other night at an establishment where the bartender looked like she was about 20. When I bellied up to order a beer she asked, “What can I get for your sir?”

“Sir? Well, no need to be so formal; it’s not like I’ve been knighted or anything, hehehe…” She stared back at me blankly. Ah, shit, I’m such an old douchebag.

Then I looked over to see a 65 year-old woman drunk off her ass standing next to me looking me up and down.

“That’s a nice beard you have there,” she said in a raspy voice that only comes from 4 decades of cigarettes and beer.

“Uhhh… thanks. You should tell me my wife that, she tends to disagree…” I said as I started to quiver and my bowels loosened into my pants a little bit.

“Nah… nah, that’s a good lookin’ beard,” she said with a wry grin, “You’re a good lookin’ guy…”

Oh, wow, I am not prepared for this situation. What is the proper protocol for surviving an encounter with a hillbilly cougar?  Don’t make eye contact? Make a lot of noise to scare it off? Climb the nearest tree? Ah shit! She’s starting to advance. Oh boy, I did not think I was going to go out like this…

7. We make reservations for dinner now. It used to be that a reservation was where I went to gamble and a 45-minute wait at Outback was an opportunity to get a beer at the bar. Now I get pissed off when the table isn’t ready when I get there and it stresses me out when we get seated in a ‘bad’ section of the restaurant. When did I get so cranky?

8. When I was 20 all I thought about was making out with chicks. Now when I see two people kiss, even two attractive people, it just grosses the shit out of me. Especially teenagers. If I see two kids making out at the movies or something I just think, “Ah, come on now, that is just disgusting. You better hope she doesn’t have a cold, dude; you’ll be sick for a week.”

9. I don’t understand that outfits 20 year-olds wear these days. Not like I don’t understand why they’re wearing it; more like I don’t understand what they’re wearing. Like the girls who wear the extra long shirts, tights and boots. Ten years ago I would have dedicated a lot of time and effort to figuring out how I could make out with someone wearing something like that. Now I’m just thinking, “What’s going on here? It looks like you forgot your pants. Did you seriously forget trousers today or was this ensemble somehow intentional? It was intentional? Seriously? My nightmare is being out in public without any pants on yet here you are. How is this happening?”

10. I’m tired all the time. At least once a week someone stops me and says, “Wow, you look tired.” No, actually this is just my face now. Just the other week we did Christmas dinner with my grandparents; my grandmother, who just spent a few days in the hospital was like, “You’re looking awfully tired…” Ah, for fuck’s sake, Grandma, you were just in the hospital and I’m the one that looks tired??? Jesus, this decade is wearing me down.