Love and Peace or Else

Posted by John


I'm sure you all saw the news that my boy 'Bama won the Nobel Peace Prize the other day. Depending on whether you own a bunch of guns or not you either find that news irritating at best, infuriating at worst, and further evidence of a broad liberal media conspiracy, OR you find the news awesome, encouraging, and further evidence that people who believe in a broad liberal media conspiracy need to suck it. I’m just kidding; that’s not very peaceful of me.

Regardless of your stance on the legality of shooting your neighbor in the face if he sets foot on your property, Obama's honor admittedly comes as a surprise. Let me put it in perspective - It would be the same as if we were to fast forward to the 2009 Heisman Trophy Presentation; Tim Tebow would be sitting there, nervous yet confident like all pompous assholes are, certain that he'll be only the second player in history to win two Heisman’s. Then next thing he knows, the presenter steps to the podium and announces the name, "Jesus Christ!¹"

Understandably Tebow would be shocked. He'd be like, "What the fuck? Jesus Christ? I mean, the guy is awesome, don't get me wrong. I just didn't even know he was like eligible for a Heisman. Granted, he has saved way more souls than I've thrown touchdown passes but I was totally not expecting this. I mean, I can't be upset about this, right? It's Jesus Christ for Christ's sake."

Clearly the Peace Prize is as much about what Obama's already done as it is about the potential for what he will do, and I honestly believe he will do it. But it's also clearly just an absolute referendum against everything the previous administration did. You know Bush was just clearing some brush on his ranch in Crawford when he heard the news and he was like, "Really? The fucking Nobel Peace Prize? I understand I was the worst president the intergalactic community will ever know - like way worse than that Emperor guy from those Space Wars movies - but come on! The guy hasn't even had time to take a shit in all the toilets in the White House yet! How are you gonna give him the Nobel Peace Prize already???"

It would be the same if in the year after Michael Vick was convicted for dog fighting and kicked out of the league, the NFL got together and decided they were going to give the Super Bowl trophy to the Atlanta Falcons without even bothering to play the season. Like, "We're not even sure who the next quarterback will be for the Falcons, but fuck it, the last guy was such a dick we're just going to give them the trophy this year. All in favor say, 'Aye!' Let the record show there was a unanimous vote: Michael Vick is a dick and the Falcons are the 2007-2008 Super Bowl Champions!"

Vick would be thinking, "Ahh, come on! The Super Bowl? Really? Seriously, if someone had just pulled me aside to tell me that it is not cool to raise dogs for the sole purpose of killing other dogs; nor is it cool to beat the dogs mercilessly to toughen them up; nor is it cool to euthanize dogs who perform poorly, chop their bodies up into little pieces, then bury then in shallow graves throughout the backyard; if anyone had told me that stuff wasn’t cool I totally would have stopped. Seriously, I would have stopped. But now here I am rotting in this minimum security prison while you have to go and give my former team the Super Bowl? Well that’s just a kick in the nuts.”

Clearly the fallacy of this analogy is if anyone had ever pulled Bush aside to tell him everything he did on a daily basis was wrong, he would have been like, “Oh really? You don’t think it’s cool for me to make back room deals with the coal companies to allow them to dump billions of tons of carbon into the atmosphere? Maybe you’ll feel differently if my pet Rottweiler is chewing on your balls. You like that? This little puppy was a gift from Michael Vick. I’ll tell you, you won’t find a more loyal pup than one raised by Michael Vick. I like that guy; he’s fast…”

1. Before all of you Fox Newsies get your panties in a bunch and run out to stock up on more ammo², I am NOT saying Obama is Jesus Christ; I’m just making a funny analogy that basically boils down to the fact that Tim Tebow is a raging douchebag.

2. Who am I kidding? All of those people stopped reading after the line, “My boy ‘Bama...”