Posted By Chris
The first time I meet someone, there may be some things that are said during our first conversation that make it obvious to me that I will click with this person (“Nice to meet you Chris, I just got back from Vegas where I played blackjack and saw the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s in concert. Can I buy you a shot of Patron?”), or that I won’t click with this person (“Hey Chris, I was just released from prison after serving 3 years on a child pornography conviction. I need to catch a bus downtown. Do you know where the nearest bus stop is? Preferably one by a middle school.”).
I’ve decided to make a list of immediate tell-tale signs on whether I will or won’t like a new acquaintance. If you read this and it seems like you're on the “Won’t Like” list, I’m sorry. Maybe you should try harder to stop sucking at life and then we can be friends.
1. Will Like: You are a fan of the cancelled television show Arrested Development. I’ve never met someone who said this show was “just OK”. You either love it (to the point of obsession), or hate it. It’s a similar response if you ask someone if they like the New York Yankees. They either immediately say, “Fuck the Yankees”, or they rattle off stats about Paul O’Neill in 1994 with a tear in their eye. I’m the same way about Gob Bluth.
2. Won’t Like: You like the show Two and a Half Men. I could write a month full of blog posts on why this show, and shows like it, are exactly what’s wrong with America. I don’t know how a show like this reaches number one in the ratings, but it speaks directly to the dumbing down of our culture. It's a ridiculously simple show, with a douchebag cast of characters, badly reciting un-funny jokes. Watching this show for 5 minutes will have you begging to trade places with Helen Keller.
3. Won’t Like: You have attended, or have wanted to attend, the American Idols concert tour. Here’s some advice, save yourself $75 and go to your local mall in 2 years and watch any of these people preform for free outside the food court.
4. Will Like: You like the Handsome Furs. In my opinion, album of the year so far in 2009. I have a long, funny story I will share at another time which involves The Handsome Furs, shots of Jameson, a missing friend, a lawn chair, moonwalking, off-broadway actors, and a 4 hour shower.
5. Will Like: You’d rather have a TiVo than a dog. I’m not a big dog person. I’m not sure why, but I think it has something to do with having to wake up to take out the dog at 3:00am in January in zero degree weather, or having to purchase new furniture after the dog scratches it and ruins it, or having to buy new shoes after the dog chews them up, or having to pay hundreds of dollars to put your dog in a kennel while you go out of town for the weekend, or even worse, having to inconvenience someone by asking them to watch your dog while you go out of town for the weekend, or being forced to follow around the dog and pick up it’s shit or else run the risk of being looked on by society as a terrible human being, or having to buy food for the dog, or making sure the dog gets his appropriate shots, or having to take a large amount of time to train the dog, or if you are an incapable or lazy person, having to pay someone else to train your dog for you, or installing an invisible fence around your yard so your untrained dog doesn’t run away, or having to be extra careful when backing out of your driveway to make sure you don’t run over the dog, or being forced to watch the movie “Marley and Me” by your wife or kids because it’s a movie about dogs, or being forced to go into a pet store every time you walk by one to see if there’s anything new you need for the dog, or being bothered by your dog barking every time a leaf blows in the yard or a squirrel runs by the window, or having your guests bothered by a dog who won’t stop jumping on them or licking them, or feeling absolutely ridiculous about yourself when you’re using your high pitched dog voice while at home alone with your dog. With a TiVo, you plug it in, hit a few buttons, and never miss another television show the rest of your life. Man’s best friend? The answer is 4 letters, and it’s not Fido.
6. Won’t Like: You’ve been to more than one Nascar race. I have several friends that have been to one, and only one, Nascar race. And most say it’s not as bad as they thought. But no friend of mine would go back twice. You’ve got to know your limits. One and done. It’s like going to a really shady strip club. You went once, saw what it was like, got a funny story or two, and can say you’ve done it. Any more than that, you’re just looking at a bunch of toothless people with sad back-stories and STD’s.
7. Will Like: You know where the “Jerk Store” line comes from: Hint: Season 8, episode 13.
8. Won’t Like: You are emotionally invested in The Hills. I should extend this to anyone who watches MTV at all, but I’ll keep it to the viewers of this bottom of the barrel TV show that is slowly turning the young girls of America into bitchy drama queens who want nothing more than to look good in expensive dresses and go to the club. The sluts on this show and the people that watch it usually have one thing in common, which is....
9. Won’t Like: You speak using texting abbreviations. OMG, IDK Y people actually talk like this when the are speaking to you. LOL! Well, IHATPLTATS. (translation: I Hope All These People Lose The Ability To Speak).
10. Will Like: You never attend work the first two days of March Madness. This Thursday and Friday in March present some of the best sports drama of the year, and it’s a time for undiscovered student athletes to shine on the national spotlight. It’s a time to cheer for the underdog, and to celebrate the efforts of these unpaid college athletes. It’s also a time to load up your online gambling account and hope you cover the spread.
11. Won’t Like: You enjoy the musical stylings of Nickelback. Hey, maybe I’ll purchase some black jeans, get some tattoos of chinese symbols of which I don’t know the meaning, buy some Skoal, and we can listen to over-produced radio pop-rock together. Umm..... doubtful. What isn’t doubtful is that this is the worst band ever.
12. Will Like: You throw up in your mouth a little bit every time you hear the words “John Elway” and “The Drive” in the same sentence. It’s hard being a fan of Cleveland professional sports, especially The Browns. It’s a great bonding experience to commiserate with fellow Browns fans about the ineptitude of our once beloved franchise. A franchise that is currently run by completely clueless idiots and is in total free-fall mode. It must be how Glenn Beck feels talking to his callers every day.
13. Won’t Like: You are asked what a goal that you have is, and you answer, “To run a marathon. I love to challenge myself.” Get off your high horse douchebag. I can challenge myself by only getting 2 helpings of dinner instead of 3. I don’t need 6 gallons of sweat and chapped inner thighs to prove my will power to anybody.
14. Will Like: You know Zack and Kelly’s song is A-12 on the jukebox. Nothing beats a good episode of Saved By The Bell when you want to go back to a simpler time in your life. A time when you lived at home with mom and dad, didn’t have bills to pay, and could watch Kelly Kapowski become a woman right before your eyes. Those were the days.
15: Won’t Like: You release a petition directly opposing my petition:
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