Two Things

Posted by John

I can assure you that what I’m about to write is not an exaggeration in the least:

Speaking of travel as we were, next week I’m going on a two-day all-expenses-paid trip to Kohler, WI to tour the Kohler, Co. manufacturing facility - as in Kohler, the people that make bathroom fixtures – to see how they make toilets.

I am not making this up! In case you’re not picking up what I’m putting down, in one week’s time I am going to a factory where they actually manufacture toilets to see how it is that toilets are actually manufactured. How did this all come about, you must be asking? It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I, along with my immature, sophomoric, poop-and-bathroom-based sense of humor, will be walking into the Mecca of bathrooms; the Nirvana of shitters; the Mt. Zion of thunder mugs. Does it get any more ironic than that? I mean, I talk about bathrooms and toilets and shit all the time and now I’m going to a toilet-making factory! This is like Justin Bieber going to a Hot Topic store; or like Cookie Monster meeting Betty Crocker at speed dating; or a Tea Partier actually looking at their tax return and realizing that Obama cut their taxes last year; or like a Southerner wandering into a barbeque joint that sells guns; or like Glen Beck going to a concentration camp; or Jesus finding a colony of lepers who just ran out of wine; or Tiger Woods signing with the Taliban for a lucrative endorsement deal then walking away from golf all together in favor of a suicide bombing mission then ending up in heaven and actually being rewarded with 72 virgins. It doesn’t get any more epic or ironic than this.

I honestly have no idea what to expect from this experience. I mean, Kohler is paying for all of my expenses and will inevitably wine and dine me in an effort to get me to design around all their products or something and I’m fine with that. But how on earth am I expected to go through two days toilet training without giggling incessantly until I soil myself? It’s not possible, that’s why I’m not going to even try. No, instead I’m going to come up with every way to possibly introduce poop innuendo into everything I do and say and see how long it takes for them to kick me out of the plant and send me home.  

Here’s a list of my ideas so far:

-I’m going to pretend like I have a speech impediment in which I unknowingly miss pronounce some very simple yet specific words. For instance:

Kohler Rep: “So when are flying out?”

Me: “I think my flight is at noon on Turdsday.”

Kohler: “I’m sorry, what day was that?”

Me: “I just said my flight is the day after tomorrow.”

Kohler: “Oh, ok. Well is it a direct flight?”

Me: “No, I’m actually flying through Shitcago.”

Kohler: “Wait, where is your layover?”

Me: “Ohare International Airport.”

Kohler: “Oh, I see. Well when are you getting back to Nashville?”

Me: “Right around Deuce-thirty.”

Kohler: “Huh? What time?”

Me: “Half past two…”

-During the plant tour I’m going to constantly ask completely ignorant questions that have no basis in fact:

Me: “Excuse me. Which toilet is best for swirlies?”

Kohler Rep: “I’m sorry, best for what?”

Me: “A swirly. You know; which of your toilets performs best while a scrawny, awkward 4^th grader’s head is being repeatedly and mercilessly jammed into the bowl?”

Or:

Me: “Where exactly is your poop analysis lab?”

Kohler: “Uhh… what are you talking about?”

Me: “Oh come on – how are you supposed to know what your toilets are flushing? I mean, someone has to be analyzing how each toilet performs with all the different kinds of poop. Is there someone whose job it is to come up with all different kinds of poop? Do you have some sort of chart somewhere? Like it ranges from something like say, peanut butter to rabbit pellets to Baby Ruth or something? I don’t know, I’m just making this up. I’m not a poop expert or anything. Then again, if you’re hiring…”

Or:

“Hypothetically speaking, if you’re at a bar and you’re drunk and someone is in the stall in the bathroom, is it better to puke in the sink or the urinal? Hypothetically speaking, whoever threw up in the urinal at the restaurant last night was not me.”

-I’m going to preface every statement with the phrase, “Two things,” just so I can follow that up by saying “Number one,” and “Number two,” as many times as possible:

“Two things: Number one, my name is John. Number two, when’s lunch?”

“Two things: Number one, my wife is a butt doctor. Number two, she knows more about poop than all of you put together.”

“Two things: Number one, the Kindle was the best thing to ever happen to dropping a deuce. Number two, because now your time spent on the shitter is no longer limited to the length of a single magazine.”

-I’m not the only one going on this trip so inevitably there will be a get-to-know-you session with the other participants. If we have to break out into small groups with another person I’m going to suggest we go through an icebreaker by role playing the scene from Austin Powers where he’s wrestling the henchman in the bathroom stall and repeatedly dunking his head in the toilet bowl while demanding, “Who does Number 2 work for!?!” I of course will play the part of Austin Powers.

-The morning of the plant tour I’m going to get up early and start drinking Gatorade by the gallon then hold my bladder until we get to the factory and belly up to the very first toilet that rolls off the assembly line then when everyone is looking at me in complete disgust I’ll just be like, “What!? What do you want from me??? There are toilets every goddamn where you look! How am I supposed to know which one’s are functional and which are not!?!”

If you have any suggestions I haven’t come up with yet, I would absolutely love to hear them.