Electronic Etiquette - Part 2

Posted by John

So after Johnny Bedwetter Architect from Dallas made my month by setting me up with the biggest electronic ass-ripping opportunity of my life, I was kind of content letting it end there. Actually, that’s not true at all; I was really, really, really hoping it would go a lot further so my passive aggression could be fully nurtured into its most glorious potential, but I had to be honest with myself that it may not be in my best interest for the situation to develop any more. I mean, there’s a fine line between being gratifyingly passive aggressive and just being a subversive dick, so you really have to tread lightly in these situations.

Fortunately for me, I only had to wait about 30 minutes after my e-mail response to get another absolute softball from that ass-monkey architect:

John,

Thanks for your response. 

I realize that at times my sarcasm can be rather corrosive but I’m happy to see that you were able to recognize it as an expression of frustration rather than any personal disparagement. 

I think that you’ll agree that communication between us is going to be important and if you have any concerns, suggestions or complaints please don’t hesitate to let me know. 

Your humble servant,

Again, I assure you I didn’t make a word of that up. I could only gaze up to the heavens in wonderment as I tried to figure out why God would look down so favorably on a wretch like me who was getting so much joy out of reveling in this poor man’s self-destruction.

So let me break this one down for you as well.

“Thanks for your response”: Thanks for your response? Are you seriously thanking me for making you feel like the biggest dick on the planet? Did you think I was not going to respond? Or did you throw that first e-mail out there, insulting me, my colleagues, and the entire engineering staff, and honestly think to yourself, “Oh boy, I sure hope he responds to my e-mail; I think we can have a truly lovely correspondence with one another”??? My God, not only are you a complete ass, you have absolutely no self-awareness whatsoever!

“I realize that at times my sarcasm can be rather corrosive”: Rather corrosive? RATHER CORROSIVE? Listen turd-muncher, eating candy is rather corrosive on your teeth; your “sarcasm” was like sucking chrystal meth through a pipe made out of dum-dums. And if you realize that your sarcasm can be a little corrosive, why in the fuck do you send out an e-mail dripping with corrosive sarcasm? You’re like the uni-bomber of cynical e-mails.

“I’m happy to see that you were able to recognize it as an expression of frustration rather than any personal disparagement”: Thanks dude, I’m really happy for you too. I’m also really happy that you were able to misinterpret my passive aggression as an expression of what a great guy I am rather than me actually trying to undermine your entire career right out from beneath your nose.

Why would you even come up with the words ‘personal disparagement’ if it wasn’t in fact personal disparagement!?! That’s like lying to your wife so you can go to the strip club with your buddy only to come home and be like, “Hey, honey! Randy says hi,” to which she replies, “Randy? You told me you were going out with Bob…” You are a jackass among idiots.

“If you have any concerns, suggestions or complaints please don’t hesitate to let me know”: Uh, yes, I have one of each – 1) Concern: I’m concerned that you’re retarded; 2) Complaints: you personally disparaged me then thanked me for misinterpreting your personal disparagement as frustration; 3). Suggestion: go fuck yourself.

“Your humble servant”: My humble servant? Who the hell do you think you are, one of the apostles? I can tell you this much Bartholomew, in about 12 hours you’re going to wish I was Jesus and would forgive you for your trespasses but I’ve got news for you – I’m not that kind of guy. If you turn the other cheek to me I’m going to stab you in the goddamn face with a plastic shiv I meticulously whittled out of my TI-95 calculator.

So after getting an e-mail like that how do you think I responded? Well, the only way I know how, of course – more passive aggression:

Thanks Greg. Communication has definitely eroded around here as a result of all the recent layoffs that seem to just cut deeper with each round. But as always we’ll just need a couple days to steady ourselves and move on as usual and everything should get back to normal sooner than later and for better or worse.

BOOM! Oh, you didn’t think I’d do it again did you? Well hell yes I went back to the woe-is-me-all-my-coworkers-have-been-fired-and-it’s-too-much-for-me-to-bear guilt trip again! Why would I not go there? It “cuts deeper” but we need to “steady ourselves” for “better or worse”! I have no idea where this shit even comes from!

Again, I probably would have been satisfied if it had just ended there. But I knew it wasn’t over there and when I went to bed that night I might as well have been 6 and it might as well have been Christmas Eve because I was about to shit my pants with excitement. I have never gotten ready faster or gotten to work any sooner than I did that next morning and believe me, I wasn’t disappointed…