The Pierce Brosnan Affair

Posted by John

One of my all time favorite movies is The Thomas Crown Affair. You know, the one where Pierce Brosnan plays Thomas Crown who is like the most awesome man ever, who steals a painting from the Metropolitan Museum of Art then donates a painting from his own collection of paintings to replace it until Catherine Banning, played by Rene Russo, who is an art insurer can help the cops find the painting, except she totally knows Crown is the one who stole the painting but the sonofabitch is so awesome and wily that she can’t catch him in the act so he further ups his awesomeness by banging her brains out and admits he stole the painting until she stabs him in the back like the jealous, traitorous whore she is, so he agrees to “return” the painting except the sonofabitch is so awesome and wily that he already had in fact returned the painting, it was totally the painting he had donated to the museum after he stole it except he had some hot Euro artist paint over the real painting with some water colors so when he pretends to return the painting he stole he actually pulls another switcheroo by setting off the fire sprinklers to wash off the water colors and reveal the stolen painting while he makes off with another painting entirely! Oh man, Thomas Crown is so fucking awesome.

Sorry if you haven’t seen that movie yet because I just spoiled it for you, but truthfully you’re kind of a douche if you haven’t seen it. It’s literally on TNT every other weekend.

The Thomas Crown Affair is actually a remake of a 1968 movie of the same name. Someone once had the audacity to suggest to me that the original is better than the remake. First of all, what are you doing watching movies from 1968? I’ve watched several old movies that are considered classics like Doctor Zhivago and The French Connection and every time I come away thinking the same thing: “This movie is boring as shit. If it’s supposed to be so good, why don’t they just remake it and cast Pierce Brosnan? Then I might actually like it.”

At any rate, I bring all of this up because I damn near lived through a real life version of The Thomas Crown Affair today, minus the whole banging Rene Russo thing.

My day started out like every other – tired, bored, and with more than a hint of contempt. I got to work and went through my normal routine – surfing the internet until 8:15-ish, e-mailing people for the next 30-45 minutes, surfing the internet on my mobile phone for awhile longer so the boys in IT can’t track what I’m doing. But just when I was about to do a few minutes of actual work, my boss burst into the office breathlessly, going on about some sort of plumbing problem at home, that he might be out for the rest of the day, blah, blah, blah… Truthfully I wasn’t really listening but then he stopped at my desk and said, “I need to ask a favor...”

Now, it’s kind of ridiculous for your boss to preempt a favor by saying that he needs to ask you a favor because bosses don’t really have favors. Favors are things you can turn down if it interferes with your willingness to conduct said favor. Instead bosses have tasks that parade around as favors and you can’t turn down a task from your boss. So when my boss said, “I need to ask a favor,” what I heard was, “You’re going to do something for me whether you like it or not, and most likely you won’t like it.”

“What is it boss?” I replied, like the real go-getter I’m not.

“I was supposed to attend a meeting this afternoon for the Architectural and Engineering Mentoring Program,” he said, “I need you to go for me.”

“Sure,” I said, “I’d love to,” when what I really wanted to say was, “I don’t know what the fuck that is, but it sounds like the absolute last thing I want to be a part of.”

Alas, my pessimism was unfounded as it turned out being really awesome. The program involved a couple professional architects and engineers who mentor some juniors and seniors, who might as well be the cast from High School Musical, as they try to design a building as part of an extracurricular program.

As a side note, who the hell spends their extracurricular time in high school designing a building? I spent my time playing sports and making out. Okay, truthfully I was way too awkward and scared to be making out, so instead I just got high with my buddies. Okay, truthfully I was way too awkward and scared to get high, so I really just played video games whilst thinking about making out and getting high, but whatever. I can say for certain that I did not design buildings for extra credit.

At any rate, these particular kids were tasked with designing a new art museum so as part of the mentoring program today we got to go on a tour with them through the local art museum, except it wasn’t a normal tour of the art museum, it was actually a tour from the perspective of a piece of art. That is to say, we followed the same path that a priceless painting would as it arrives at the loading dock, gets brought through the security checkpoints, sits in storage while the display is being prepared, then finally makes it out onto the floor for the patron’s viewing pleasure. I’m probably not making that sound very interesting at all but I can assure you it was just as cool as watching Pierce Brosnan bang Rene Russo’s brains out in The Thomas Crown Affair.

The best part was, the entire time I was thinking to myself, “Holy shit! I am literally inside the movie The Thomas Crown Affair right now!!!” When we were at the first security checkpoint where the art gets reviewed and logged I was standing right next to a rack of 50 security guard uniforms because all the guards have to leave their uniforms at work when they go home for the night. I was just standing there thinking, “You should take one of these. You should totally take one of these! That would be so badass!” Then when we were in the storage room where all the art sits as it gets prepared for display I was thinking, “You should totally have stolen that security uniform then you could totally crawl inside one of these crates! Oh man, you should totally get inside one of these crates until the museum closes then you can emerge from the crate wearing a security uniform to heist one of the paintings! That would be so badass!” Then when we were standing in the holding room adjacent to the display galleries where the art gets its final preparations I was thinking, “Oh man, you should totally have a titanium reinforced briefcase that you can jam between these security doors so you can make your escape! That would be so badass!” Then when we were in the gallery where all the art was hanging I was thinking, “Dude, you should totally set of the fire alarm and steal a painting then take it home and paint water colors over it then return it the next day like nothing happened then come back and steal another painting and disappear to your private island! Oh man, that would be so fucking badass!”

But alas, just like I was too awkward and scared to make out with girls in high school, I was too awkward and scared to steal a painting from the art museum. Whatever. Someday they’ll make a movie about my life and cast Pierce Brosnan to play me so he can make out with all kinds of high school girls whilst being high and surfing the internet on his mobile phone all day at work and stealing priceless paintings and doing water color art and whatever the hell else he wants. That will be an awesome movie and it shall be called The Badass Affair.